True enough, there are several disparities in society in terms of Blacks that exist which are well documented. While arguments may arise in terms of how those dissimilarities came to be, any arguments surrounding the existence of the disparities can be quieted with bona-fide truth and actual facts. Consequently, both Black men and Black women perhaps may be well justified in being “angry” about the condition and state of the Black community. However, how that anger is channeled is key. Turning on one another is not the answer. To do so, not only perpetuates the generational oppression and suppression from both external and internal forces, it also hinders Black men and Black women from coming together intimately on a more profound level for the betterment of the Black community and the world community as a whole.
The biggest enemy to the relationship dynamic in the Black community is the lack of respect and honor of one another as Black men and Black women. No matter how messed up either may be, to say either is damaged beyond repair is further perpetuation of a conditioning process which stems back to the plantation literally and figuratively. Whether you believe slavery actually existed or not is irrelevant here. What we are discussing is certain mindsets that need to be uprooted in order for Black men and women to relate effectively. While it is true that Blacks cannot continue to blame others for the condition in the Black community and thus must take responsibility for its state, a logical person however would understand that there are certain principles and dynamics which becomes extremely relevant when discussing the science of mating – or as some may call it, “dating.”
So what I want to do here is shed some light on the reasons as to why some Black women may be involuntarily single when they would otherwise prefer to be in a healthy relationship with their Black counterpart or why some go from relationship to relationship not finding “the one.”
After reading this, if you are not in a relationship but desire to be in one or you have found yourself moving from man to man, you might want to ask yourself, “Do I hold any of these mindsets?” If you see some personal similarities with one or more of these attitudes, then you are becoming conscious enough to know that perhaps the problem does not rest solely on the shoulders of Black men.
Five Mindsets that Hinders Black Women From Relationship Success
1. Bitter Barbara
Bitter Barbara makes many outward attempts at femininity, yet is hard to the core. She is disenfranchised and has been deeply hurt by a man and consequently blames all men for her pain. She has not been able to rationally separate the “baby from the bathwater,” therefore throws both out. Bitter Barbara perhaps may have had many “good” Black men come in and out of her life, but she couldn’t see past her pain. When it comes to “love and marriage and the baby carriage,” not too many Black men are interested in a woman who is just plain bitter, and would assume deal with a white woman. Unfortunately this makes Bitter Barbara even more bitter.
2. Independent Ilene
Independent Ilene doesn’t need a man to take care of her. She has her own house, her own car, a decent to high paying job, can move the refrigerator and furniture or pay someone to do it for her. Independent Ilene can “bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan” and really only needs a male to help her “get her rocks off” and then again she doesn’t even need a male for that because she has her battery operated man replacement in the drawer. Independent Ilene has the attitude that Black men are intimidated by “strong Black women.” Yet, she doesn’t get that an authentic “strong Black woman” recognizes that first and foremost she needs a man; second, understands the power of synergy in her relationship with her man and is learning to master the art and science of keeping her house.
What independent Ilene fails to understand is that when men think in terms of fun and play, she will fit the bill mainly because she can foot the bill. However, she is thrown off her square when men look for “wife material” and she is put to the side. Independent Ilene projects herself as above need of a man, yet a real man needs to be needed by “his woman,” is willing to man up, and not interested in an Independent Ilene wearing the pants that he was meant to wear, or being depowered or handicapped by a woman feeling the need to compete or step into his role as a man.
3. Religious Rhonda
Religious Rhonda is religious, but lacks spirituality. She is looking for Jesus incarnate and if Jesus were to knock on her door, he would not measure up to her standards either. Religious Rhonda is looking for a man who doesn’t exits. Religious Rhonda sits around complaining with her girlfriends who are “birds of a feather flocking together,” that there are no available “good” Black men because they are either in jail, in prison, homosexual or don’t want anything more in life. Religious Rhonda wants the man to put forth all efforts to make the relationship work and bring all his valuable attributes to the table, but unable to bring similar or of equal valuable attributes. Religious Rhonda wants the status, but fails to see the substance.
Religious Rhonda is related to Self-righteous Sally. As a matter of fact they are first cousins. When you see one you usually see the other as they are bosom buddies. They are either hating on other women who have a man wondering how they got him, or a constant third wheel. Black men run from the drama that comes with Religious Rhonda and Self-righteous Sally.
4. Demanding Deena
Demanding Deena is so hard to please that no matter what you do for her she is never satisfied. Demanding Deena does not realize the difference between demanding something with her mouth and commanding it with her actions. She has an attitude that she is owed something and everything must cease until her needs are met. Demanding Deena is very needy and believes that the source of her happiness lies in the hands of the man in her life. Her expectations of him are far above what is rational or even fair. There is no room for shortcomings as anyone she deals with must be on top of his game 100% of the time. Demanding Deena is argumentative, controlling, hard, and bossy. Men usually just want to do whatever they can to get away from a Demanding Deena; and Demanding Deena has not realized that men are not interested in a woman with more testosterone than him.
5. Loose Lucy
Every man knows that Loose Lucy gives up the “coochie.” It doesn’t matter whether he is worthy or not, Loose Lucy believes the only way to get or keep a man is to open her legs. She has an attitude that once she gives in to a man’s sexual advances, he is obligated to her. Loose Lucy does not respect herself and suffers from low self-esteem.
Some Loose Lucies will get pregnant in an attempt to entrap a man, believing that will make him stay. Loose Lucy will sleep with friends, brothers, and maybe even fathers, sons or cousins. Loose Lucy is desperate for a man and when she feels one will take the time to wine and dine her or pay her mind, she will bear it all for him believing that this time it’s the one. There are two types of women that men deal with, ones to have fun with and one to bring home to meet the parents. Loose Lucy is the “booty call” not the altar call.
This might sound crass. But there is a reason why some Black women do not have a man. And to the women who would much rather publically degrade all or most of our brothers for their actual or perceived shortcomings, and deem them damaged beyond repair, you end up staying in a state of involuntary singleness or in relationships that are unfulfilling, because you are denying that you are in fact part of the problem.
While you may not be entirely the problem, you are however the key. Black women are the first teachers, the first nurses, the first nurturers in a man’s life. Therefore, if what you see is an undesirable Black man, then you owe it to yourself to help him meet his obligation as a man by being a better woman.