I kind of want to be serious for a second, if that’s OK. Like many of you watching, I was shocked to hear of how “The Rush Limbaugh Show” is dying in the ratings. One trade publication called it “the end of right-wing, conservative talk radio.”
And the reason, of course, is that Rush Limbaugh has scared away more sponsors than Lindsay Lohan did at Betty Ford. Forty-eight of [the] top 50 advertisers exclude the Limbaugh show now from their radio ad buys.
But many sensitive Americans care about “The Rush Limbaugh Show” and want to see it continue. And of course, I’m talking about comedians. So I just want to take just a moment to take advantage of Current’s vast reach and offer a personal appeal to potential advertisers:
Hello, are you a small business owner looking to reach a wider audience of xenophobic, woman-hating, aging, bitter white guys with impacted colons, but don’t think you have the resources to do so?
Have you dreamed of a professional association with an obese, hate-driven bigot who reaches a wide audience of obese, hate-driven bigots who automatically nod at everything he says, even if that nod makes the dangling string of drool drip on the clicker?
Do you think women who believe [in] access to affordable contraceptive care are de facto sluts?
Do your customers enjoy mocking Jimmy Carter’s manhood, even if they haven’t been able to see their own manhood since Jimmy Carter was still in office?
Well, if that’s the case, I’ve got some good news for you. “The Rush Limbaugh Show” has advertising space available right now — lots of it. But it’s only for a limited time, as by the end of the year Rush may be cancelled or choke on his own bile or accidentally drown while being voluntarily gravy-boarded.
You see, it’s the perfect opportunity for the enterprising entrepreneur.
Do you sell a generic erectile dysfunction drug out of the back of your pickup because you think you can’t compete with the high-class, designer erectile dysfunction drugs that the fancy city folk sell?
Are you the pastor of a right-wing evangelical mini-church that wants to be a right-wing mega-church?
Do want to reach a wider collection of rubes who think Jesus hates gays, immigrants, peace activists and the grieving parents of gun violence victims? I mean, besides the ones you’re already shaking down now, Reverend?
Well, advertising on “The Rush Limbaugh Show” could be the answer to your prayers — you know, your real prayers for wealth and power, not the phony prayers you do in the church.
Hey, are you looking for a wider marketplace to promote your catheters, colostomy bags, authentic replicas of Obama’s original Kenyan birth certificate, adult diapers, bomb shelters, survivalist manuals, Ayn Rand coloring books or souvenir Krugerrands?
Well, advertise on “The Rush Limbaugh Show” and your dreams of wealth and an unending client base will soon come true.
Sure, Rush has chased away all potential listeners who are progressive, moderate, Democrat, black, gay, Hispanic, female, educated, compassionate to their fellow humans, emotionally sentient, health conscious or have decent taste in music — but there’s still a rainbow coalition of white people and really white people, not to mention Caucasians, white self-loathing closeted homosexuals and morbidly obese albinos with Type 2 diabetes that are waiting to hear your ad on “The Rush Limbaugh Show” from the radio atop their stack of Tom Clancy books.
Call now and we’ll give you a free satellite radio that will allow you to listen to Rush’s show and your commercial in the original German!
And don’t forget to ask about our supersaver specials for meth lab operators and degenerate gamblers in the trucking industry.
Advertising on the Limbaugh show will bring untold wealth, riches and incredible luxury — to Rush Limbaugh.
Believe it or not, he needs your business. Those Viagra-packed weekends in the Dominican Republic don’t pay for themselves. The sexual tourism industry of the entire Third World is depending on you.